It has been more than two months since the last entry.

(What is this, Confession?  Yes, I’m Catholic, but…  …  )

Today, I looked at a photograph of myself playing the bass guitar with my friend, performing two years ago, maybe to the day, and I realized that I am the only one in the picture that’s never been in the hospital fearing for my own life.  To refresh, my friend is still recovering (remarkably well, though it still hurts to notice that I can tell he still struggles with things sometimes) and the drummer in that picture, well, he was shot in the eyesocket and is lucky to have survived the incident.

My friend just had his birthday, and I can tell he was delighted to have made it to his birthday in the first place.  I’m incredibly happy to say I’ve never lost a friend or relative close to me in an unexpected fashion, and I’d like to keep things that way for a long while, thank you.

A little while before that, my father lost a friend of his, I almost said “old friend,” but that isn’t quite the right way to put it; longtime friend is much better, as frankly, he wasn’t old.  He succumbed to cancer in a very terrible way, and I really have no idea how or if my dad is coping with it right now.  They were in the Army together, and managed to stay in touch for years afterward, it’s absolutely amazing to think, though I have many friends I’ve kept in touch with in a similar fashion, sometimes it just isn’t certain if you can manage to keep in touch, but they did…  My father’s friend is the reason why he knows where this town we live in is, and, I selfishly realized so many things that make me angry at myself from time to time come from my choice to live in this town, and I project that anger in cold and terrible directions, hoping that I don’t hurt anyone with it.  I was proud of my dad, I think I was smiling while he was crying, he just finished reading a eulogy about his friend’s army service and explained what I just did; without this friend, he would have had to have chosen some other way to “start over” in the 90’s, he would not have learned to fit in down here, and he would not have met his current wife.  When my father remarried, I lost eligibility for my need-based grants and loans, and I dropped out of school, had a miserable time of things down here, and let myself get mired in defaulted student loans that I still repay today.

I tried to talk to some friends about it that night, but I couldn’t sleep and lost touch with my goals and my identity, and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve completely recovered…  I wanted to get in my car and speed down highways recklessly, and indeed, if I was 22 years old I would’ve done just that.  It’d be a good time for a vacation I suppose, but I can’t take one now.

September saw me trained and temporarily promoted at my job.  Indeed, they still have me do this job periodically to make sure I don’t forget how, in case something happens to someone else that does it, or in case we get way too busy in November and December, then that chair is mine, and I’ll be routing the phone calls throughout the operators in the center.  This holiday run is not as busy as the past, and we blame many circumstances, not just the economy, for this, but I know how it works when this sort of thing happens, from retail experience, and I know that when the proverbial last minute arrives, when our ordering deadlines approach, that will be when the phone lines absolutely explode with calls and at my work, we will need to be prepared for that.

Today, I was awarded as our employee of the month of September, based upon nomination by peers and election by anonymous vote from a handful of people in a committee.  (The committee know what the nominees did, but not who the nominees are.)  I also received a 26 cent raise based upon merit review by my supervisors, and, I suppose lumping all the big positive with big negative has left me with a big flat neutral.

My pulse is slow.  I’m not really excitable lately.  It’s not that I’m not up to things; I do things that should entertain me for their own sake and I can’t help thinking that there may be something seriously missing, something very wrong.

I’m very near an important goal, and I’ve forgotten what comes afterward.  That having been said, I am very safe.

Things have not been so safe in many parts of the world and for many people that I know are going to read this.

Thank you for the comment.

Plain_White_Ts:  I’ve read some profiles and articles about you, and it just so happens your album is on emusic, but from listening to the samples, I’ve decided that your sound is polished and frankly great, but the Green Day power-pop-punk thing is not really for me.  Based on where you are from, and your ages, and so on, I wonder if I’ve sold you toys…  It’s okay whether that is true or not.

Frankly, I suspect the comment is left by a member of the band’s agency or management, but if a member really left a message and checks on this stuff…  Thank you.  Click on the last.fm or Odeo boxes on the right if you want to know what kind of music I like.

To wrap things for now, I will probably take a gigantic two to three week (or as long as they’ll let me get away with) vacation encompassing late January and early February, like two years ago, but with a lot more time and a lot less vomiting.  (The vomiting was from overeating… really!…)

Best wishes to everyone, always.

See you next time.

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